The Perfect Weight Gain Prevention Solution

Ha, ha, ha! The battery in my digital scale is dead. You know what that means? I can’t weigh myself therefore I ‘m not gaining any weight! What a relief! Or so I thought until I had an annual check-up at the ladies’ doctor. You know how they want you to strip for the exam but expect you to remain fully clothed for the weigh in? Does anyone else see the injustice in that?

I was so terrified when I realized that tall, metal eerie being was going to reveal my weight that I did the only thing I could do, gaze at the wall and un-focus my eyes so I couldn’t see what the winning numbers were. Perfect! Now, I still haven’t gained weight!

I’ve engaged other strategies to not gain weight too. For instance, only eat junk food on the weekends—as everyone knows, the calories don’t count then.


Recently, I enjoyed a glorious three-day weekend by eating whatever I wanted. I went clothes shopping on the last day of the weekend. It was odd but nothing in my size fit. I mention this in case you too have run into this situation and are concerned it’s your fault. Let me explain why it’s not.

First of all, potato chips on a Saturday night do not count as calories. Second of all, the retail world gets jazzed about holiday weekend sales because it is their opportunity to get you into the store and try on the obviously poor fitting clothes on clearance and then entice you with non-sale items. And, many women will blame themselves as to why the sale items don’t fit though it’s not their fault (see reference to Saturday night potato chips). By blaming themselves, they don’t call their local congressman to look into the conspiracy of “sale” items and will grudgingly buy new items and because they are a different cut, need to be purchased in a larger size. Women give into this scam all the time because let’s face it, there’s nothing like buttoning your pants on a Monday morning.

I do have a confession to make--I exercise to support my eating habits. I feel that going on the treadmill for 40 minutes entitles you to a large steak and baked potato with butter. Apparently, this is not the case. But, I’m also ½ bulimic so I really shouldn’t ever gain weight. The only problem is that what I mean by being ½ bulimic is that I do the eating part. I can’t bring myself to do the other part.

For my fellow exercisers out there, I have a question. Does it count as abdominal work when you bend at the waist to get a cookie?
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